Whining About Work

I am convinced that no mother has ever felt this anxious over leaving their baby to go back to work. The more I think about it, the more I resent that I have to work as a nurse to pay for the loan I took out to become a nurse. I work for the government to get paid by the government to pay back the government. Oh Canada. My mind is so divided. I miss work sometimes. I do...and not just the paychecks. I miss the patients and the problem solving. I miss feeling like a professional. I am just not sure I miss it enough to make myself leave Sam.
Then it occurs to me. Sam is going to WANT me to leave. He will, someday, be excited to go to have his own little life. Then another epiphany: I want to be a woman who Sam is proud to call his mother. I think we all need something of our own to identify with in order to be happy with ourselves. Our children can see this. They see our confidence (or lack therof) and it teaches them. We all exude something that tells our children who we are. Our influence guides them about how to behave outside the home. Complete people make the best parents. This may read as though I'm leaving out the SAH mom. I certainly am not. But even the SAH has to have something of their own to make them who they are.
What does all this convoluted pseudo-philosophy mean? It means that I like being a nurse, I love being a mom and I'm struggling with how to do both!
So where is the fear coming from? The thoughts roll over me with the weight of a freight train. Sam falling down and being upset and wanting me and I'm not there. Sam choking. Sam homesick. Sam thinking I won't come back for him. Sam being hit by another kid. Sam hitting another kid. Sam's little face crumpling, bottom lip quivering and tears forming. And there's my letdown. I fight these thoughts and try to replace them with Sam laughing with his new friends, bonding with his babysitter, playing outside or relaxing with a movie and getting ready for his nap. This constant fight of thoughts plays in the back of my mind day and night. It's exhausting and I can't seem to find any comfort.